Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
