You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
