She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize