mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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