he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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