i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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