also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I touched a dick in church today
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