The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
