were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My bed smells like the plague
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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