there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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