Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
