Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
