Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
