I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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