If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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