the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
