I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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