Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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