Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
