There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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