Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
