see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
