So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
