I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
