i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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