I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
