You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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