There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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