Welp...herpes.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
