i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
