4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
