We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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