So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
