I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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