so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
