I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
