I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
