she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
