i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
