Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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