You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
