Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
