I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So many bounce houses so little time
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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