is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
