i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
