Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
