i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
