Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
