He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
