Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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