So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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