The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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