dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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