I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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