if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize