It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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