I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
