TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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