if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
